His Ghost
by FaithinBones
Summary: Booth is gambling again and this has major consequences.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: If you haven't seen "The Murder in the Middle East" you might want to skip this story until you have seen it. This story is filled with spoilers for that episode, also, it's possible you might need a tissue.

I don't own Bones.

Ooooooooooooooooooo

She remembered his words and she remembered hers.

She met Sweets in the Diner, a place she considered neutral ground. She'd been worried about Booth and she needed to talk to someone. She'd considered Angela, but she needed someone close to Booth, so Sweets was the one she talked to. "Booth is different."

Solemnly, Sweets had replied, "I agree. He has a lot to deal with, after all that's happened, the incarceration, the attack, now. . . Booth suffered trauma before . . . war, abduction, confinement, even torture.

Her worries bubbling to the surface, Brennan explained, "Yeah, but this is different. I've seen the injuries, the trauma is similar.

"Physically, yeah." Sweets needed her to understand, "But not according to my pseudoscience . . . psychologically. Booth is driven by his belief in honesty, in honor and service. Now, Booth's beliefs have been betrayed by the organization that he trusted, that he served."

Sad, Brennan uttered, "It's as if someone died. It's like Booth died."

His own sadness a weight on his soul, Sweets agreed, "In a sense he has, you know?"

Ignoring the interruption, Brennan continued, "He . . . he doesn't know where he fits in anymore. He . . . he doesn't have an anchor, faith in something greater than himself."

She never forgot that conversation and with those words echoing in her head, she watched Booth as he struggled. She noticed that he slept less than he ever did before. He deflected the conversation if anyone tried to talk about the past. He didn't go to church anymore and he didn't seem to care about God. He was different and that difference frightened her in a way she couldn't admit to him or anyone else.

After months of watching and waiting, she noticed another change in him and wasn't sure what to make of it. He'd gone undercover and gambled and she felt that the change started then but she didn't have proof. Without proof she was forced to wait and wonder. She had to admit that the changes were subtle and almost imaginary, but she knew him and she knew the changes were real.

He seemed to be himself and yet he wasn't. He came home when he was supposed to. He spent time with his family. He cooked for them and tried to show her how much he loved her and yet, something was wrong and she knew it.

She wanted her Booth back, but deep down she feared that maybe that Booth was gone forever.

Her fears came to fruition while Booth was in Iran helping Arastoo and Cam solve a murder. A stranger came to the door of their house and claimed that her husband owed him $30,000 from gambling and he wanted it either from Booth or her. His threats were thinly veiled and Brennan knew them for what they were.

In the end she paid the bookie to save Booth's job and perhaps his sanity, but she now had her proof and she knew without a doubt he had fallen and it would have to be her to help him.

She knew she needed to come up with a plan. She loved Booth, but his recklessness had endangered her and her child. She wanted to help him, but she had to protect her child and herself first. She had a new life growing in her and that baby also had to be protected. She had time to come up with a plan and she used what she knew about Booth, about what he valued most to formulate it. She was strong and she would use that strength to do what had to be done.

She knew that it would be harsh, but she needed to reach the Booth who lay hidden from the world. He'd always hidden himself from those around him and it had taken her years to understand that. He had a college education and yet seemed to be ignorant of things he should know. She came to realize that he used stupidity as a weapon. Over and over she'd seen criminals underestimate him only to realize in the end that he was smarter than they had given him credit for. He used jokes as camouflage and he tried to control his environment as much as possible. If he couldn't get what he wanted, he pretended that it didn't matter or he didn't want it in the first place.

Months ago, when his world had shattered, when he was almost been killed and then incarcerated by the people he thought he could trust, he'd changed. He'd hidden himself further from everyone around him until she almost couldn't see him. In a way, he had died and now she was left with his ghost.

Ooooooooooooo

When he'd entered the house, she'd been so relieved to see that he was home safe. After making sure he knew that she was proud of what he'd accomplished in Iran, she confronted him.

Her plan was simple and logical. At first she'd given him a chance to come clean and he'd lied to her. She knew that was the risk she was taking when she confronted him and in the end that was the result she expected.

She understood this simple truth, he's an addict and addicts hide. They hide from their loved ones and they hide from themselves. They lie and they evade the truth. Considering Booth's propensity to hide already, well it was what she expected.

She knew she had to be strong, so when Booth realized that she already knew about his gambling he tried to 'fix' it, but she knew he wasn't in a position to fix anything. He was hiding behind his love for her and she knew that she needed him to become visible. The Booth she knew and loved was buried under a mountain of distrust and fear and she needed to reach him in the only way she knew she could.

He pleaded with her, "I messed up. I'm sorry. Look at me! I love you." The look he gave her was one of stunned fear and it almost broke her heart.

Though it pained her to say it, she said it anyways, "I don't believe you. Not now."

The pain that washed over him washed over her, but she knew that she had to do it, "Go."

And in that moment, he seemed to give up. She wasn't sure if she'd done the right thing but it was done.

Did he give up on her or did he give up the shield he'd been hiding behind? She wasn't certain, but she knew that when he left the house she would cry. She was being strong for both of them, but she needed to grieve.

It was as if Booth had died. She only prayed that he could save himself and return to her in the end. She would always stand beside him even if it meant from a distance. As illogical as that sounded she needed him to lose to win. She wanted her Booth back and this was the only way that this would happen. She no longer wanted to live with his ghost. She wanted the man.

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So let me know what you think of this story. Thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

This was supposed to be a one shot, but so many readers wanted Booth's point of view and who am I to say no? I hope you like it. Let me know what you think of it. I appreciate it.

I don't own Bones, not even a little bit.

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Later, he would remember Aubrey's words and he would remember what he'd said too. Why he didn't listen to the younger man was beyond him and he'd regret it until the day he died.

They were sitting in his office talking about the murder victim. He remembered feeling bad for Jeff Dover. The man had lost his family in an accident and apparently he'd used gambling as a crutch to get through the days. Aubrey was being his pushy self as usual and I was pushing right back, "Probably started gambling after he lost his family and he tried to stop."

Aubrey tried to tell me what was going to happen, "But couldn't, which is why you're not going to play in that game."

I wasn't going to let some junior agent tell me how to run my investigation, no way. "No, it's exactly why I am. Okay? He was fighting to go straight and someone took advantage of him and when he was at his weakest. I'm going to make that right."

Aubrey didn't seem to understand what I was trying to tell him, "It's not that simple, Booth. Look, Sweets was very clear in your file. You gambled to cope with trauma and that is . . ."

I couldn't believe he was actually bringing up Sweets and who the hell told him he could look at my file? "Look Aubrey, it's been a long time since I've been in the Middle East."

The man was being stubborn and wasn't interested in what I had to say, "I'm not talking about the Middle East. You've been shot multiple times since then, you spent three months in prison and your best friend died in your arms. Isn't that enough trauma for you?"

I should have listened. I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. Hell, I probably had that before I ever went in the Army. You get that way when your father treats you like a racquetball and your mother runs away leaving you to fend for yourself.

I used to think I was strong. Hell I had to be, didn't I? I took beatings and kept right on ticking. I was hella strong.

I've only ever had a few things go my way in my life. Pops saving me from that dick that claimed he was my father was one and the second was pretty sweet. I got a scholarship to play basketball. I was a hot prospect. I played football and basketball and it looked like I was going to make it to the big times and then an injury took that away from me. I lost my scholarship and Pops couldn't afford to send me to college, that's a fact. The only thing I could do was go to work and I really didn't know what to do with myself, so Pops pointed out that he'd had a great career in the Army so why not enlist.

Joining the Army was the best thing and the worse thing I ever did with my life. It showed me how I could make a difference in the world and I did make a difference. It also put me in a position that allowed me to get hurt. I was tortured while a prisoner of war and I still suffer to this day because of it. I refuse to allow it to slow me down too much, but I'll never be whole again that's for sure.

After that, I got lucky because the FBI recruited me and that turned out to be the third best thing that ever I happened to me. I love my job and I can't see myself doing anything else. I make a difference and that's no small thing. The Army and the FBI has allowed me to help the weak. It's allowed me to be strong and it's helped me to find a family. I'd never have met Bones if I hadn't been in the FBI and I never would have been in the FBI if they hadn't noticed what I was doing in the Army.

Bones is my number four best thing ever. Okay, let's get this straight, that's when I'm talking about order of things. When we're talking best thing ever then she's my number one. I hate to think of living a life without her. I've been blessed in a lot of ways. A poor kid from Phillie and look how far I've come. My life has had it's ups and downs but the ups have made the downs worth it.

I could have done without the pain, but that's the past so why dwell on it anyway?

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The gambling, I thought I had that under control. I gave it up when I met Bones. I just decided that I didn't want to be a gambler anymore, joined Gambler's Anonymous and I stayed away from pool halls and poker games. I did it because I knew that I wanted her and to have any chance to be with her I couldn't be a loser. I worked hard to get sober and to stay that way. I thought I had it beat. What a joke. What a stupid fucker I am.

I went to that poker game thinking I was totally in control. What a load of crap. I didn't really count on winning. I thought it'd be a mix of winning and losing. It's been ten years since I've played poker and I wasn't there to win, but I did win and the thrill was a drug to me. It made me feel better. It made me feel like I was in control of my life again.

Yeah, imagine my surprise. I thought I was in control of my world until I started winning and that's when it hit me. I haven't been in control of my life for a long time. Hell, let me brutally honest, I've never really been in control of anything except when I was gambling and I forgot that while I wasn't gambling. The world has been using me and spitting me out on a regular basis but I didn't realize it until I started to feel good about myself.

It's hard to explain.

I was winning and I was in control. I forgot how damn good that felt and just how good I am. Those piles of chips growing in front of me. Taking down assholes with money to burn. I forgot just how good that felt. God the only thing better than winning is sex and if I can't have sex then winning will do.

I had both, so damn my world was spinning in the right direction.

Except, the winning usually stops and you start to lose. You get desperate then. You want that high from winning so you start to be more reckless. Poker and sports bets and god damn horse races and anything else that will give you that feeling of being high when you make the right bet make the right move, keep the right cards. I needed it and I wanted it.

And the losing got worse and I told myself that I could fix that. All I needed to do was win again. All I needed to do was chose rightly and I wasn't doing that. I was losing control and I couldn't admit that to myself let alone Bones.

Bones . . . God damn it, I hid what I did from her because she knows I'm a gambler. Shit, let's just be clear, she thinks I'm a degenerate gambler and up until now I've always been able to correct her, "I'm a recovering gambler. I don't gamble anymore" and now . . . and now I can't say that anymore. I am a degenerate gambler.

I got back from Iran and I was never so happy to see her in all my life. Christine was at Max's and I thought how sweet that was. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby girl, but I needed my Bones. I thought we'd be in the sack as quick as I could get her there, but I had a shock coming to me. My world was about to crumble and I didn't really have a clue.

She asked me point blank, 'Are you gambling? I need you to tell me the truth because without the truth we have nothing, so please are you?"

I should have known not to lie to her, but I had to. I knew what she would say if she thought I was gambling so I thought it was worth the risk to deny it. She usually believes me when she asks me things, but not this time. This time she didn't believe me at all.

I took a gamble that I shouldn't have taken. I know she needs the truth. I know she hates lying and being lied to and I did it anyway.

She'd asked and I couldn't admit it. I couldn't risk losing her. That's when she told me about Jimmy. That no good bastard had told her about me gambling and that I owed him money. She paid him off. She paid the $30,000 I owed and God the next words were like a punch to the gut, 'I need you to leave.' Just like that. 'I need you to leave'.

She knew I'd lied to her and she was mad. I tried to fix it, I apologized. I told her I'd made a mistake and I piled on another lie. I was desperate. I need her and she . . . she knew I was still lying. She knew it.

I asked her to let me fix it and I kept apologizing and she wasn't listening to me. She didn't want to hear me. I told her I love her and she didn't believe me. She told me she doesn't believe me. She doesn't believe that I love her. All she could tell me was to go.

That look on her face when she told me to 'Go'. That look was all I needed to see. Bones means what she says and she says what she means. She doesn't want me anymore. I don't know if she still loves me, but she doesn't want me anymore and she doesn't believe I love her.

Somehow, someway, I need to fix this. I need to fix this but I'm not sure how to do it. How do I get her trust back? How do I get her to believe that I love her? I've lost what little control I have and I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to get her back. God, I don't know if she'll ever want me back. She doesn't believe I love her and I don't know if she ever will again.

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So let me know what you think of my story. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3

(After The Murder in the Middle East)

I had some requests to write more of this story. I hope this is what you wanted.

I don't own Bones.

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 _Staring intently at Booth, Sweets spoke calmly and firmly, "Underneath your affable exterior, is a deep reservoir of rage. My question is, you always have that under control?"_

 _Furious, Booth hissed at the younger man, "You know if I didn't you'd be dead right now instead of just wincing."_

 _Trying to control the conversation, Sweets corrected the Agent, "I'm not wincing."_

 _His temper barely under control, Booth leaned closer and threatened him, "Don't ever bring up my old man again."_

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He knew the drill after all he'd been through this before. Eleven years ago he'd given up gambling for Brennan and he could do it again. Hell it should be easier this time because he hadn't really known Brennan back then and he'd only been infatuated with her. Now the stakes were higher. Booth loved her and needed her back in his life. She'd kicked him out of their house and the only way back in was if he proved that he had his addiction under control.

He'd made a mistake and he knew it was just a matter of will power to fix it. He needed to stop gambling and go to the GA meetings. He really dreaded going to those meetings because sponsors always wanted you to share. They wanted you to give them a piece of yourself and that was something Booth hated to do. He'd spent most of his life struggling to control his reactions, his emotions, his history and to just give even a small piece of himself was almost unbearable.

His first time through the program, he'd controlled what part of the past he was willing to share and that had been as little as possible. He'd spoken mostly of the future and quietly avoided most of the past. Now he was trying to walk the same line, but his sponsor wanted more this time and he knew it.

Although he knew he needed the people at GA to help him with his addiction, he considered the meetings to be a huge waste of his time. He knew he had to put in the time to show everyone that he had his gambling under control and more importantly, he needed to prove to his Bones that he wasn't going to gamble anymore, so he attended the meetings once a week and then left, speaking as little as possible.

He avoided anything that might trigger his urge to gamble and was very careful who he associated with. Because he was on his own, he had no one to help him and he really didn't expect any. He moved into an apartment, went to work, did his job, checked on Brennan and Christine would he could and attended the meetings.

Booth didn't ask for any help from his friends because he didn't think he had any that he could rely on. He was on his own and he would have to fix the situation by himself. He knew he could do it. He always had in the past, so this was just more of the same.

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As the weeks went by, Booth started to worry that his addiction was going to be tougher to control than it was eleven years ago. He actually knew the source of his addiction and knew that to beat it, it was just a matter of control.

Control, an easy thing to want, but not an easy thing to maintain.

Sometimes he was filled with rage and it was all he could do to keep it from flaring out into a tornado of destruction. He'd always been proud of the fact that most of the time he was able to control that pool of violence that was hidden inside of him. He knew that it was there and most of the time he was able to keep it under control.

Once in awhile that control would slip and the violence would flare outward singing anyone who was in its path. He feared the destructiveness of that violence and always felt that if he ever really lost control that violence would destroy him and all who were near him. He considered it a legacy from his late unlamented father. A malevolent gift thrust upon him by a man who took great joy inflicting pain upon those too weak to defend themselves.

Booth knew that the darkness inside was waiting for any signs of weakness so that it could burst forth. Sweets had been right when he talked about his deep reservoir of rage. Booth couldn't admit it to Sweets then and he couldn't admit it anyone now.

Giving up control to someone else was a dangerous path that Booth was afraid to follow. If he gave up part of his control would the darkness inside awaken? Would he still be able to control the violence if he allowed people inside far enough to help him with his weakness, his addiction?

The closest he'd ever come to allowing someone else inside his shield was Brennan, but he was still careful to keep as much control as possible. He knew almost everything there was to know about the love of his life and yet she only knew a small portion of what made Booth who he was. He'd talked reluctantly of his past, of his father, of the men he'd killed and yet he still hid the rage that was the center of his being. His biggest fear was Brennan finding out exactly who he was and not who she thought he was.

Gambling had been his way of maintaining control over his impulsiveness. He had used gambling as a release valve in the past and the high it gave him helped him to control his inner demons. When he'd given up gambling he's lost that and he'd had to work hard to present to the world the Booth that everyone thought existed. When his addiction took over once again he'd felt the pressure ease inside him and the high felt so good.

But that high came with too steep a price. The loss of his family was a price he didn't want to pay. He would fix it and he would get Brennan to take him back. Now he had to control his demons without the gambling and he knew that he had to do it right the first time. He'd done it before and he could do it again. If he wanted his family back he had to show that gambling wasn't important to him anymore. The only problem with that was how do you control the darkness when you lose some of your control? He was about to find out.

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So I hope this made sense.


	4. Chapter 4

(The Light in the Life)

If you have not seen Bones episode 10x21 then I recommend that you skip this story until you have since it contains spoilers.

I don't own Bones.

Oooooooooooooooooooo

He'd been working hard to fix what he's broken. He'd made up his mind that he needed to do this for his family and that he needed to do it for himself. Attending his GA meetings had become important to him. He constantly struggled with the need to gamble and he knew that he could fix it if he concentrated on why he couldn't do it anymore.

The first time he'd given up gambling he'd done it because of Brennan. He'd been infatuated with her and even though they'd fought after their first case, he knew that he'd find a way to work with her again and he needed to be at the top of his game when they finally did. Gambling couldn't be part of his life.

Thinking back, he realized that he'd taken up gambling because it made him feel good and in a bizarre way, it gave him control of his life. It had turned out that he was pretty good at it too. Sure he didn't win all of the time and not with every game of chance, but put a pool stick in his hand or a deck of cards in front of him and he won more than he lost. The feeling he got when he won was worth the loss of time and money when he wasn't doing well.

Truthfully, he had never felt good about his life until he'd found that rush of winning. His childhood had been lived in terror. His adult life while not a horror show was still filled with disappointment and pain, both physical and mental. Being a prisoner of war in Iraq had left him with broken feet and pain he'd never live without. His attempt in finding a family for himself had ended in failure and a son he wasn't allowed to live with.

Because his future wasn't much better than his past, his life had become a search for the next win until he'd met Dr. Temperance Brennan and he'd realized that his life could be so much better if he tried. Working with her on a cold case had showed him that he was actually a better agent than he'd thought and perhaps it was time to try for a better life. Perhaps he could be the better man he'd always wanted to be if he gave up gambling and concentrated on other things. Part of those other things was Temperance Brennan. How he was going to get her in his life had been a mystery to him at the time, but he'd known that gambling would prevent that from happening and he'd quit.

Gambling had been hard to give up but he had been a man with nothing to lose. It had been hard battle and in the end it had been worth the struggle.

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His life had had its horrible moments since he'd given up gambling but he'd also had moments of great joy. He'd found a friend like no other. Brennan helped him to be the man he wanted to be. She knew about his past and it never seemed to disgust her or bother her and for that he was grateful.

They'd hit a few bumps along the way and had almost lost each other but in the end love had won out and they were together at last. If he had thought his life was going to be roses after that then Fate had made sure he understood that that wasn't going to happen. A serial killer had entered their lives and through that psychopath's interference they had suffered separation and humiliation. Even after the beast had died his influences were felt when another serial killer had intruded into their lives.

This time though, that case had pushed them into the path of an evil conspiracy that had left them homeless, his being seriously hurt and separated once again from the family he needed. As bad as their previous separations had been, this time had been much worse since he was imprisoned by the organization he'd given his loyalty to. The humiliation of being considered a murderer and thrown into a dangerous place where his life meant so little had turned into a battle of wills. They had tried to wear him down to break him perhaps to murder him, but the thought of his wife and children waiting for him had kept him going and kept him sane.

Eventually, Brennan had got him released from his hell and through their efforts and the efforts of their friends, they'd destroyed the conspiracy. Of course, Fate had a final say before that happened and a man he considered his little brother had been murdered. Booth had struggled to keep it together but his fear and anger grew so fast and so furious that he'd been prepared to murder someone to end his pain. Brennan had saved him and for that he would always be grateful but saving him had not erased the pain. The struggle day to day to accept the changes in his life had begun to wear him down so that eventually he felt like the shadow of the man he'd been.

Gambling had called to him and he'd resisted until he could no longer do so. The rush of winning made him feel something and he hadn't felt something in a long time.

When Brennan had discovered he'd stumbled, he'd found himself cut off from his family and on his own. The things he valued the most were now out of his reach and he had a decision to make. At first he tried to tell himself that he'd just made a mistake. He overlooked his Bookies actions and the fright that his wife had been given while he was in Iran.

It had just a mistake and something he could fix, right? It wasn't that big of a deal, right? He could walk away when ever he wanted to, so, why was he being punished for a little stumble?

After he'd seen the heart break of a child of an addict he'd been reminded of what it was like to live with a man caught up in an addiction. A man who took out his frustrations on his family. Not only was he an addict he was the son of an addict and this forced him to finally realize that his actions were more than a mistake and that they were what was keeping him from his family. Afraid for his future, he started to fight back. His fight was long and hard and days turned into weeks. He struggled to get his life back and he knew that he had a long road ahead of him.

He vowed that he would fight hard and he would fight for not just himself but for his family as well. He wanted his family back but he had to prove to Brennan that he was the good man she'd married. How he was supposed to do that was a mystery to him, but he knew that faltering would not be an option. He had to win because in the end if he didn't he would lose everything that mattered to him and then there would be nothing to live for.

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Christine running to her bedroom, made Booth think about how he missed his little girl. Turning to look at his wife, he struggled to ask her, "Listen, uh, Bones, I was thinking that maybe I could come by . . . um . . . next week, uh, you know, maybe a couple of mornings and take her to school." Seeing the hesitation on her face, Booth tried to assure her, "Look, if we're not there yet. . . ."

Interrupting him, Brennan voiced her concerns, "In my mind, I know that you being out of the house is working. It's what motivates you."

In agreement, Booth confirmed her statement, "It's one of the things, yeah."

Worried, Brennan voiced her fears, "What's gonna keep you going when you move back?"

Sighing, Booth worried that in her way, she was telling him that she was never going to be able to take him back. Sadly, he responded, "Knowing I don't have a second chance if I screw up again."

Seeing his pain, Brennan came to a decision, "The rational side of me needs to know that that is true. Empirically, but statistically that's impossible. Life is essentially uncertain, no guarantees and if we try to be certain before we act, we may never act."

Hopeful and yet a little confused, Booth asked, "What? So what are you saying, Bones?"

A smile touching her lips, Brennan answered, "I'm saying I have faith in you, Booth and I think you should stay the night with me."

Relieved that she believed in him that she believed in them, he'd stepped closer to her, "I think I should too." His hands placed on her waist, he leaned forward and kissed her and happily she returned his kiss. Her hand on his shoulder and then his neck a welcome touch, Booth felt his love for her growing deeper than ever.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there, kissing and holding each other, but he knew that they had both come to an agreement. They were meant to be together and this was their time again.

What had been a bad day had turned into a bad week and then a bad month but in the end they were together and with the grace of God they always would be.

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A little something I needed to write. Let me know what you think of it. Thank you.


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